Friday, 24 April 2015


Do you ever feel like you were drunk for a couple of day. Then you had hungover. After that you just OK. Back to normal. Even a bit of headache.

Well. Happen to me. Not litterally drunk. But like my situation. I'm getting over Vic. Eventhough it hurt that I had just seen 'seen' in the idiotic act I did in the past post. But now. Seems like I can accept it.

Even it hurt. But yeah. I can go through it. Imagine if I not asked the stupid question to Vic, maybe I still giving a high hope to Vic. Right? So I hope if I can get through Vic and hoping Vic didnt suddenly appear in my life again. And the story would be rotate again. Pathethic me. So I'm crossing my finger hoping that my feeling would never back. Amen!

Saturday, 11 April 2015


I asked Vic through FB messanger.

"Do you hate me?"


Friday, 10 April 2015

I saw

Today, I went to take my convocation photo with Bae. When we want to take our friend photo, the worker ask us to search our friend photo using the paper they put there.

I saw Vic photo first when I open the paper. Even the picture is small. I still Vic wide smile. I miss the smile that he gave me long time ago.

I miss Vic.

Thursday, 9 April 2015

Should I ?

Last Saturday, it was my graduation day. Correction, it was Vic, Bae and my graduation day. Bae family and mine came together. We had convoy from our home. On the road, my head keep questioning. Is Vic will come and attend his/her convocation? Because on the day I take rob for convocation, I always search for Vic name. But seems Vic did not take the rob yet.

So, on the day, Bae and I went to search our others friends from the same campus. Then, we found our friends there. We chatting, laugh and take photo together as normal graduate do on their special day.

Suddenly, I saw Vic. Vic with his/her friend. I cant look straight to him/her. Guilty of my foolish act long time ago.

Then our campus been call for registration. We stay infront of the registration desk. Bae and ours friend gather talking together. But on the side of my eyes. I saw Vic. It such a relieved that he/she graduate. I dont know it just my mind playing with or reality that our eyes met only just a few second. Silly me.

In the hall, we seated according by courses and name. Bae and I seperated in the hall. But not too far. The funny of this story is when I take 'wefie' from friend beside me then on the corner of camera I saw Vic. I snap quickly and not even look at the photo. I dont know why I act something like that. Vic seat behind my. Not literally behind. But the distance is close.

Then during the event, there's so much name like Vic. I felt just want to laugh. And I heard that Vic talk to his/her friend, that too many person that same name like Vic. I just smirking.

After the ceremony, people from our campus gathered to take photo with our dean and lecturers. I dont know why I felt like Vic looking at me. Or is it my mind playing again with me. That's the last time I saw Vic.

After the ceremony, I inbox Vic to say Congrats. I didnt have a high hope. Just hoping to see the seen from the inbox. After a couple of hours sending Vic wishes. Vic replied. Vic said

"oo. Thanks. Same goes to u. Congrates too"

Eventhough my grammar nazis want to correct the spelling fo congrates but instead of that. I am smiling. Happy. Then i replied to Vic.

"..and sorry"

Seen. As long as Vic seen the message. That enough. Now I hold my self to write agin to Vic. I just want to ask. Did he/she hate me or not. I just want to know YES / NO question from Vic.

Should I or should I not ask Vic the question?

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

2 cents

Today I went hang out with Bae and friend. I was happy with them. Watching Fast amd Furious 7. Later that, Bae and I went to sent friend back to home. We stay in the car and infront the friend house. We stay there chatting.

Suddenly, my mind miss Vic. The hell?? I was happy there. Laugh with Bae and friend. Why would I want to miss him/her?

I distract my brain by laugh at all my friend talking. Why would my mind would remember Vic?? Just cant leave me alone? Why? What is wrong with me.

I'm in love with Bae. True and serious. But why Vic will always appear in my mind? Why would Vic the person I should remember? Why not someone that important to me? This is depressing.

Fuck my life.

Tuesday, 7 April 2015


First of all. Lemme give the name bout the person that cause me doing this blog. I will name his/her VIC . VIC is unisex name right? could be VICTORIA or VICKY etc etc , and my partner I would be name him/her BEA . Typical name. That just came in my mind.

The story start here . It happen in my diploma life. VIC and I are two different course. He/she is kind a good looking. Shy. Not too much talk. but if you know Vic, Vic will be talkactive. Love Vic laugh, slap, and everything. Back then We are just a good friend.

It all started by my foolish action. What the foolish action is? Well.. Just take it a very very very foolish action that even I dont want to remember cause I dont know what happen to me back then. Too stupid because of Love that I know is wrong. I just want to be with Vic. All about Vic. Once Vic and I in a same class, I just cant stop looking to Vic eventhough Vic sitting infront of me. The scent of Vic. But at the same time. Vic other's good friend who Vic once like also in a same class. I got jealous. Cause I am not in the same gender as Vic other good friend. A gender that I can be a casanova. I dont know whether I can be classified as HOMO or not. Maybe just a DILEMMA ANONYMOUS. Back to the story, after our class, Vic and I suppose to have lunch together, but then Vic Other good friend stop Vic, then they talk, laugh, blablabla. I hate to remember the sweetness that can give others diabetis.

After the semester then all the war began. Vic hate me. Vic mad at me. cause of my foolish action. VIC HATE AT ME. Even Vic not saying that Vic hate me but I just assume by Vic action. We are in same campus. But we not talk together. We just walk each other way. Even our eyes met. but we just past through. I dont know that if Vic just follow what Vic friends said bout me or what. but since that we were just like We are so close yet so far.

Very confusing. Sorry future me.

An Intro

This is depressing, that I have to return to blogging. But this time with new concept and new name of blog after the last few blog not went well. Well, the reason I return to blogging are too many reason. First, I cant sleep, second I miss see my hand dancing in keyboard to writing something came from my heart

..and lastly, I miss someone. Very much. I dont know how to describe it.

I know this blog just for my self. But what the hell. It is just for my place to whisper cause there's no one can know or no one should or would want to hear this kind of feeling.

why shouldnt I get a diary? here's my answer. diary is my handwriting and anytime anyone can read. but for blog like this. I can hide my identity. No one who I am. So if you one of my acquaintance or friends and family, just read it. unless you hack my blog then you can know who I am. But if you hack mine, I dont mind. I just make new blog then.

Intro from myself incase there's someone reading.

Currently in a relationship with someone, he/she nice, funny and I'm very comfortable with him/her. Maybe one day we will get married. Maybe. I do love him/her but..

But this is not bout him/her though. This is the whisper that I miss someone beside my partner. Maybe someone from you can decide what is wrong with me. Because I miss someone that I cant have relationship and someone that I hurt him/her very much because of my foolish action.

I know that no one would like to read this kind of long post. but who cares. maybe one day when I'm old and I know what is wrong bout me then I can read this in laughter. But right now I cant laugh. My feeling keep bother my sleeping. I dont know how to handle. I just become stalker in his/her facebook. There's the only place that I can know something from his/her even if he/she share cat video. Atleast I know that he/she still using the facebook.

Gosh. I really dont know what happen to me! What happen to me. Why this feeling keep growing and growing. I wish that I can do something or I can end my life right here or right now, but I cant do that cause it is not my thing. I am not supporting suicide. I always keep harder to prevent that to happen. I have my family that I can happy. I have my partner. This is just a temporarily feeling. I hope.

Maybe this will not be all about that.